The New Arrival
by The Tenth Doctor's Companion
Summary: A new arrival at Hogwarts causes Draco and Harry and Snape and Hermione to look at each other in a new way.This has been re-edited so it flows better better now.Rated R to for later chapters.SS/HG DM/HP OC/??. R/R


Well here's all I've written so far. I re-edited so it flows better..........Sorry if this focuses on Snape/Hermione at the mo as Max has got something REALLY evil planned for Harry and Draco. The tune to 'Got You' belongs to whoever but the lyrics belong to me. 'Dead Man's Party' belongs to whoever too so don't sue me.  
  
Title: The New Arrival  
  
Author: Max  
  
E-mail: jadekirk007@y...  
  
Rating: R to be on the safe side  
  
Pairings: Draco/Harry of course after a lot of revenge and ALSO Snape/Hermione  
  
Archive: Yes, please  
  
Summary: A new arrival at Hogwarts causes Draco and Harry and Snape and Hermione to look at   
  
each other in a different way.  
  
Author's Note: My first attempt at writing Draco. The story takes   
  
place at the beginning of Harry's Sixth year. Before you start screaming Mary   
  
Sue, I am NOT male and I'm certainly human(I think.)You'll see what I   
  
mean later on in the fic.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, I just like to play with them. And I  
  
certainly don't make any profit from it!   
  
Prologue  
  
Kings Cross Station between platforms 9 and 10,Two women holding two   
  
large cases each. The shorter one had very long blond hair and the   
  
other one had shoulder length dark hair. The blond woman was also   
  
struggling with a large cat carrier of which the occupant was yowling   
  
loudly, earning stares from other passengers. The dark haired one was   
  
huffing and puffing with a very large bag of kitty litter, and   
  
suddenly the cat carrier burst open and the occupant scooted out, gave   
  
himself a shake, ignoring his owners' shouts of "Max,get back   
  
here!"   
  
"Come 'ere cat!" and bounded after a boy carrying an owl in   
  
a cage.(A/N:This isn't any ordinary cat as you'll soon see)"Ooh a   
  
birdie!" Max said, who was a big sleek black cat. Max followed the boy and paused   
  
when the boy disappeared though the wall."??!!"Max exclaimed,then sat down and   
  
had a lick then bounded after.  
  
The owners, who had chased him down the platform, stopped and looked   
  
around for him," Now where is he?" said the blond woman.  
  
"How should I know where that..............damn cat is? I told you we   
  
should've kept him on a lease."  
  
"I know but he was wailing like a banshee and yelling "ABUSE!   
  
ABUSE!!" Did you see all those stares we got after that?"  
  
Meanwhile.........  
  
Max had boarded the Hog warts express and hiding under the seat when   
  
he heard a female voice say, "Wonder what this year will be like."  
  
"Hermione, maybe you should start Divination again, then you could tell   
  
us...."said a male voice.  
  
"HARRY POTTER!! IF YOU THINK I'M TAKING LESSONS FROM THAT DAFT OLD   
  
BAT AGAIN YOU ARE VERY MISTAKEN!" yelled Hermione, hurting Max's   
  
delicate ears.  
  
Max shook his ears and muttered, "God,she sure has a good pair of   
  
lungs." poking his head from under the seat, "Oi! Keep the noise   
  
down, I'm trying to sleep here."  
  
Hermione and Harry look towards their friend,Ron ,who was sitting   
  
right above Max and was dozing," Ron, did you say something?"  
  
"Huh?What?" Ron said, dozily. Max started sniggering. Ron heard him." What   
  
is that noise?"  
  
Crookshanks, who was sitting on Hermione's knee jumped down and padded   
  
over to where Max was hiding. Max looked at him and   
  
said, "Oh.....I'm just going! I hear my litter box calling" Max   
  
dashed out between Ron's legs out into the corridor.  
  
Max Slinked into the comparment, where Draco Malfoy was sitting, deep   
  
in sulk mode. Max walked in and jumped on Malfoy's lap, purring, then   
  
jumped on his shoulder and bit his ear.Malfoy, jumped up and yelled,"Ow   
  
you little rat. Why'd you bite me."  
  
Max yelled back, "Oi,I'm a cat not a rat. Are you blind? Do I look like   
  
a rat. You twit."  
  
Malfoy sat back down, almost missing his seat," You talk!"  
  
"My!You ARE good at stating the obvious." Max stated dryly." By the way, you   
  
might want to think about washing your ears coz I saw a few spuds   
  
growing there."  
  
Malfoy pulled out his wand and pointed it at Max. Max's golden eyes   
  
widened and he turned tail and scooted out laughing, passing Crabbe   
  
and Goyle in the corridor.  
  
Max spent the rest of the journey causing chaos in every   
  
compartment. He told Lavender, that Goyle had a huge crush on her, That   
  
made her go "Ew! I'm going to have nightmares now."  
  
In Neville's compartment, Max chased, Trevor around and around until he   
  
got a smack on the back with a newspaper from Neville. "Leave Trevor   
  
alone you wicked cat. Who do you belong to?"  
  
Max mumbled, as he went out of the compartment, "Party Pooper. A cat   
  
can't have any fun on this damn train. I can't wait to get to our   
  
destination."  
  
Part 1 The Sorting.  
  
All the students traipsed into the Great Hall, followed by Max. All the   
  
older students sat down at their house tables waiting for the new   
  
students to be sorted. Professer Flitwick carried in the sorting hat, a   
  
battered old hat with ribbon's hanging down at the back, and a three   
  
legged stool. Professor McGonagall called out the students to be   
  
sorted, Max behaved himself until the 'J's came up. When Professor   
  
McGonagall called "Jarrett,Matthew." Max noticed the ribbons dangling   
  
for the first time and got ready to pounce. Before Professor McGonagall   
  
could put the hat on Matthew Jarrett, Max scooted out from behind   
  
Draco and dashed under the hat, knocking Matthew off the stool in the   
  
process. The hat fell out of McGonagall's hands and landed on Max's   
  
head. The Sorting Hat yelled,"Gryffindor!" Max turned round and   
  
scratched the ribbons, ignoring the hat's protests and then rabbit   
  
kicked the hat off into a corner and did a mad fit around the   
  
hall. Professor Snape yelled, "Get that crazy cat!10 points from   
  
Gryffindor...."Everyone looked at him.  
  
Professor McGonagall protested, "But Professor Snape, how can you take 10   
  
points from Gryffindor when it was just a cat."   
  
"My dear professor, in case you have forgotten, that DARN cat was   
  
sorted into Gryffindor so technically Gryffindor are at fault!"  
  
Harry whispered to Ron, "Trust Snape to nitpick!"  
  
After The Sorting, Dumbeldore waited for silence then said. "Also I'd like to introduce our New DADA teacher, Professor Lupin has graciously agreed to come back and teach."Everyone, except for Snape and the Slytherins, burst into applause at that statement."  
  
Breakfast time should be a time for relaxing or so Harry thought. The   
  
night before during the sorting a burly black cat had muscled it's   
  
way under the sorting hat and ended up in Gryffindor. The cat, who   
  
Ginny informed everyone that his name was Max,(A/N: Yes she knew about his talent. She also knew it was hard to shut him up once he got started.),short for Maximum Chaos, had lost them 10 points. After   
  
a mad fit and a good old gossip, Max had calmed down and ended up sleeping on Ginny's bed all night.  
  
In the morning he seemed calm and collected. When the Great Hall   
  
was full and breakfast was served and everyone was talking and   
  
gossiping about the sorting. Max who was under the table, suddenly, yelled very   
  
loudly, "Hey everyone! Do you know that Draco has a horse called Harry?  
  
Or Harrykins as he calls it when he's in bed or that Harry has a red   
  
and Green Dragon called Draco."  
  
Harry turned red "It's named Draco after the dragon in the film   
  
Dragonheart." He stuttered, turning a deeper shade of red.  
  
Draco's eyes bulged out and without finishing his breakfast, ran out   
  
of the great hall to the sound of laughter drifting out after   
  
him.. "Ooh I'm going to get that cat." He muttered to himself.  
  
Harry was thinking along the same lines but he didn't know that it   
  
was that innocent looking cat under the table. Ignoring the   
  
laughter, Harry put his hand in his robes to pull out his quill to write a   
  
letter to Hagrid, but instead he pulled out the aforementioned   
  
dragon. Max had sneaked it in Harry's robe pocket and a chewed up   
  
poem. Harry opened it and read it out to Hermione. "There once was a   
  
horse called Harry, Who, Draco wanted to marry, Along came Max, And   
  
sent them a fax, Now there isn't much of them to carry."  
  
Hermione's eyes widened, "Who wrote that? It's very.......um....poetic." She   
  
started laughing.  
  
"Dunno. Stop laughing. It was all wet and chewed up in my pocket."  
  
Ron said, "Ooh Harry,Do you think whoever it is, is trying to tell you   
  
something?"  
  
"NO WAY!THAT'S JUST TO YUCKY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT!" Harry yelled.  
  
Dean butted in with, "Hey Harry, maybe your dragon and Malfoy's horse   
  
could get together."  
  
"??!!"  
  
"Come on Harry We've got to get to DADA then it's Potions."  
  
Later,  
  
Max walked into potions class and settled himself under Draco's desk. After Snape had called the registrar, He said in a loud voice to Pansy Parkinson, "Hey Pansy, Did you fall off a building and land on your head or did a truck run over your face instead?" Pansy burst into tears and sobbed, "Why are you saying these things to me Draco? I thought you loved me."  
  
Draco spluttered as he could feel the watchful eyes of Snape on him. "It's not me! It's that stupid cat. You know that Gryffindor cat." "Mr Malfoy, cats do not talk and they certainly wouldn't be rude." Snape replied.   
  
"God Pansy, Did you go overboard with Eau De Le Skunk today." Max continued, "Look at Hermione, She's almost passing out, AND SHE'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM!"  
  
Hermione was trying not to laugh, Harry, ducked down behind his cauldron so Snape wouldn't see him. Max getting fed up with his Pansy-bashing decided to move on. Max turned to Snape, who trying not to laugh(A/N: Yes she annoyed Snape too)and said, "Hey Toots! You have got to chuck out that old grey nightshirt, you won't get a girlfriend wearing that." to everyone in the room, "HEY GIRLS, SEVERUS DOESN'T WEAR ANYTHING UNDER HIS NIGHTSHIRT, AND FROM WHAT I COULD SEE IT WASN'T SMALL!"  
  
Snape turned purple," MR MALFOY!PLEASE DO NOT DISCUSS THINGS LIKE THAT IN MY LESSON! 10 POINTS OFF SLYTHERIN FOR BEING RUDE." Max wisely kept quiet for about 2 minutes, then he yelled, "HERMIONE THINKS YOU'RE CUTE! IT WRITTEN IN HER DIARY IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME!" Hermione turned pink, "She calls you her lust bunny." Hermione turned on Draco, "MALFOY DON'T EVER READ MY DIARY AGAIN," She yelled, "OR I WILL.............." Poor Draco now had Hermione, on one side, and Professor Snape on the other side, both yelling at him and threatening him." IT WASN'T ME! IT WAS MAX!" Draco tried again  
  
"GO ON BLAME THAT POOR INNOCENT CAT!" Hermione yelled," WHAT HAS THAT CAT DONE TO YOU?" Max sniggering at the chaos he had caused, slunk even further under Draco's desk, just in case Snape decided to curse him. "Hee Hee!" He laughed "No one suspects the cat."  
  
Snape turned to Hermione and raised an eyebrow, "Miss Granger," He said, hoarsely from all the yelling, "You call me a lust bunny?" Hermione turned even pinker," Well sir.....um....er........!"  
  
"Hmmm!" Snape said ,smirking ,"What about the Weasley boy? I thought you two were......What's the word?.....together? "   
  
"We're just friends........." Hermione replied, ignoring, Harry and Ron doubled up with laughter beside her.  
  
Max yelled out, "YEAH RIGHT!JUST LIKE DRACO DOESN'T FANCY HARRY!" Draco turned bright red and he leaned under his desk. "Cat," he hissed, "if you don't shut up, you will be slippers.."  
  
Max poked his tongue out. "Bub I have claws and I'm not afraid to use 'em. Anyways I only told them the truth." Max replied   
  
"MR MALFOY! EXPLAIN YOURSELF!"  
  
Draco looked up to see Snape glaring down at him. Draco opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a little squeak."??!!" Snape just shook his head in disbelief and sat back down at his desk. Max took advantage of the silence, "There once was a guy called Severus Snape, Who wanted to peel his grape, He met a girl called Hermione, Who..................."Hermione leapt up and belted poor old Draco around the face. "OW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Draco yelled  
  
"What was that for?" "For making up rude limericks in class. Just coz you're his favourite student doesn't mean you can disrupt the class." Hermione yelled.  
  
"It wasn't me! It was THAT DAMN CREATURE NAMED MAX!" Draco yelled back.  
  
"MR MALFOY! TEN POINTS OFF SLYTHERIN FOR DISRUPTING THE CLASS.MISS GRANGER TEN OFF GRYFFINDOR AND SIT DOWN!" Snape yelled, Hiding a smirk he added quietly. "Remind me never to get her mad as she might do that to me. Looks like she has a good right hook."  
  
Hermione sat down. Harry leant over to her and whispered "Go Hermione!" Hermione looked up at professor Snape and noticed he had a very peculiar expression on his face. It looked like he was trying not to laugh.  
  
Snape stood up, muttered an "Excuse me.", and swept out of the room, ignoring all the stunned expressions on the students' faces and burst into laughter halfway down the hallway." The expression on Malfoy's face when she belted him...........*Chuckles*......I'll take that look to my grave......."The sight of the dreaded potions master in fits of laughter sent a poor little First year Hufflepuff running for Madam Pomfrey.  
  
Snape walked back into the classroom after he composed himself. "NO MORE TALKING! THE FIRST ONE TO MAKE A SOUND WILL GET A DETENTION."  
  
Max wisely shut up and the lesson then went of without a hitch except for when Max coughed up a fur ball on Snape's desk all over Draco's Homework.  
  
"Damn cat. Look what you have done."  
  
Max just looked at him with the no-speak English expression on his fuzzy face.  
  
Snape's mood just got worse, as he was covering up the fact he had lost control and laughed, so by the bell rang for lunch everyone was glad to get out of there.   
  
At lunchtime two owls, carrying red envelopes came into the Great Hall, which was strange as they usually come at breakfast time and dropped one on Professor Snape's plate, which he recognised as a howler. "That's strange." He muttered to himself, "I don't usually get Howlers. Whom could this be from?" He opened it and a voice, magnified twenty times, yelled," SEVERUS SALAZAR SNAPE, HOW DARE YOU PICK ON POOR NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM AND THE GRYFFINDORS, IF YOU PUT ANOTHER FOOT OUT OF LINE, I WILL COME DOWN AND HEX YOU SO YOU WILL END UP WEARING A PINK BUNNY SUIT FOR THE WHOLE DAY!" The howler then burst into flames. The whole hall started laughing as Snape's face went brick red.  
  
Max, who was hiding under the Slytherin table, started sniggering, for he had sent it, waited in anticipation as the other owl dropped the other one on Draco's. Draco opened it and the same voice yelled, "DRACO ANTONIO MALFOY! HOW DARE YOU PICK ON HARRY POTTER AND THE GRYFFINDORS? IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE YOU WILL BE WEARING A FAIRY PRINCESS COSTUME!" Draco's face also went brick red and he tried to hide under the table. His howler burst into flames, there was a silence in the Hall and then conversations started up again.  
  
On the Gryffindor table, Harry, Ron, Hermione and the other Gryffindors burst out laughing again. There was a lot of muttering on that table.  
  
"Did you see the expression on old Snape's face?" Harry said between sniggers.  
  
"I didn't know he had a middle name." Hermione said.  
  
"Who knew it?"  
  
"What about Draco? I thought he was going to cry."  
  
"Antonio? What kind of middle name is that?"  
  
"Salazar? That makes him a SSS."  
  
"Who sent it?"  
  
"Draco's makes him a DAM."  
  
"Do you know what I think? They deserved that."  
  
"Well it was male, whoever it was."  
  
"Snape in a pink bunny suit, that'll be something to see."  
  
"Draco in a fairy princess costume? Ooooooohhhh! He'll look SO pretty in that."  
  
"Get your camera ready, Colin, you don't want to miss that unique photo opportunity."  
  
"That was so cool."  
  
"Snape looks ready to curse someone."  
  
"Not me I hope."  
  
Max, who's still hiding under the table, said to himself, "That was SWEET! Pity they don't have it at home coz I know who my victims would be."  
  
Snape, who's sitting at the teachers' table and ignoring the other teachers' taunts, growled to himself, "Wait 'til I find out who sent that, they'll be sorry. How did they find out my middle name anyway?"  
  
Dumbledore, who was sitting next to Snape, said with a twinkle in his eye. "Hmm Severus, you've seemed to upset someone...BUT don't worry, seems Mr Malfoy has also upset them too."  
  
"IT'S THAT POTTER! HE DID THAT!" Snape yelled so loudly everyone stopped talking and looked at him.  
  
"It wasn't me, I swear." Harry protested.  
  
"Silence!" Snape snarled, "Potter you have........................."  
  
"IT WASN'T ME! YOU.........." Harry yelled  
  
"IT WASN'T HARRY! IT WAS ME! THE INNOCENT BLACK CAT! HA HA HEE HEE! I'M MISS DYN-A-MITE-TEE-HEE! THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE!" Max interrupted, while Snape and Harry yelled at each other across the hall. "LALA LALALA!"  
  
By this time, Harry and Snape had both gotten out of their seats and were standing nose-to-nose yelling at each other, ignoring Max's confession.  
  
"I DIDN'T SEND THAT HOWLER!"  
  
"RUBBISH!"  
  
"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOUR MIDDLE NAME!"  
  
"I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LIKE, POTTER!"  
  
"I WISH I HAD!"  
  
"HEY C'MON IT WAS ONLY A JOKE!" Max interrupted again, "OI! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? IT IS I THE LITTLE BLACK CAT."  
  
"YOU'RE PUSHING YOUR LUCK!"  
  
"HUH! I GIVE UP!"  
  
"YOU'RE A.................................."  
  
"SILENCE!" bellowed Dumbledore, "That is enough! Severus, Harry, SIT DOWN! MAX SHUT UP!"  
  
Snape and Harry sat down after a glare at each other. Max slinked further under the table in case of stray curses.  
  
Hermione turned to Harry when he sat next to her, "Harry, you could get yourself expelled."  
  
"Yeah well, I'm not the slime ball who thinks I sent those howlers."  
  
Snape sat back down next to Dumbledore, "Severus, Harry didn't do it. While you two were yelling at each other, I distinctly heard a voice confessing to doing it."  
  
"Potter still had something to do with it, I know it." Snape groused.  
  
"Why are you in such a bad mood anyway?"  
  
"Oh I kept getting interrupted in my class by Mr Malfoy and he kept blaming that Damn Gryffindor cat...Speaking of which he coughed up a hairball all over my desk and over Mr Malfoy's homework......"  
  
"Oh! You mean Max?"  
  
"Yeah I mean that one..."  
  
"Looks innocent, doesn't he?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Never mind. Let's just say that he isn't as innocent as he looks."  
  
"What are you talking about, Albus?"  
  
"Oh He's got your tail in a spin. Hasn't he? Or has he put a kink in it?"  
  
"Have you been at the sherbet lemons again?" Snape asked, then as a thought occurred to him, "Hang on, why did you tell the aforementioned cat to shut up?"  
  
"Did I? Now why would I do that?"  
  
"You know who did it, don't you?"  
  
"Yes, I believe he said his name was Miss Dyna-mite-tee-hee!"  
  
"What the .........?"  
  
"Hmmm....."  
  
Max (or Miss Dynamite) took that opportunity to start singing, his own bad humour interfering with the lyrics, "Yeah Yeah  
  
Get your pants off take yo shirt off and spread them  
  
Opposition I'll just take him  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]  
  
Understand, I'll never kid around with you  
  
Try to resist I'll dismiss you  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]   
  
Basically I'm the worst nightmare you ever had  
  
Figure a trigger happy black cat with a pink tail  
  
Parading around Hogwarts school[Argh!]  
  
High off milk, with a banana clip  
  
Feasting off the weak tea of Hogwarts  
  
with a manuscript, and professional ass whipping  
  
Task force, brass knuckles a master in ass kicking  
  
If you ask for it I'll blast for it you back-flipping  
  
No one saw it I won't stop the clock ticking   
  
Got a wizard for a partner that's ready to fight me  
  
The world's a merry-go-round I stereotype slythies  
  
He's a spit in the face for pit bull and bite gryffies  
  
Matters of fact, I kinda like this cat for a white tiger  
  
Get your pants off take yo shirt off and spread them  
  
Opposition I'll just take him  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]  
  
Understand, I'll never kid around with you  
  
Try to resist I'll dismiss you  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]"  
  
The whole hall went quiet as Max's voice rang out. Snape looked as if a boggart had appeared wearing fluffy pink bunny slippers.  
  
"I got the project sorta locked they trust my logic   
  
'cos the star profs got it from wands to damn curses  
  
My object is to deprogram blind ya optics  
  
You cannot stop this mission this topic  
  
'cos you can write tickets my sweetheart or get paid  
  
Learn this game in the streets or get slayed  
  
collect this cheese at the end of this maze  
  
Or hit the desk and fill out forms for days  
  
Need I remind you   
  
how easy it would be to take the city by storm with the whole force behind you  
  
Shorty in the trunk and on my collar there's a bell too  
  
'cos psychologically the wands you use will define you  
  
Get your pants off take yo shirt off and spread them  
  
Opposition I'll just take him  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]  
  
Understand, I'll never kid around with you  
  
Try to resist I'll dismiss you  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]  
  
These evil streets don't sleep  
  
Be careful with who you mingle  
  
In a city where it pays to be bi-lingual  
  
Jokes so brief-o "  
  
Sniggers rang out as they were looking for the person, who dared to sing after Dumbledore had called for silence.  
  
"I'm Maxi leaving enemies stunned on arrival  
  
For a couple of mill and you're screwing my fun up  
  
Trying to play the hero cat and you still suck  
  
Put you to bed with one in your head you won't feel much  
  
(Repeat 2 X)  
  
Get your pants off take yo shirt off and spread them  
  
Opposition I'll just take him  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]  
  
Understand, I'll never kid around with you  
  
Try to resist I'll dismiss you  
  
bite me [bite me ] bite me [bite me ]"  
  
Harry burst out laughing as that was the strangest verses he'd ever heard." Wonder who that was......"  
  
"Bet Dumbledore knows who it is......."Ron said, between fits of laughter.  
  
Little did he know that Dumbledore did indeed know and was trying not to laugh, ignoring the very angry Potion's Professor next to him.   
  
"You're encouraging it Albus." Snape said, glaring at Dumbledore. (A/N: Ooh he's miffed....Get down with your bad self Max...)  
  
"Am I?" Dumbledore replied innocently, "Now why would you think that Severus? Is it because I have no control over Miss Dynamite."(A/N: Yes he is familiar with Muggle singers and he does know who Miss Dynamite is.)He paused for a moment. "Or is because those were the best made up lyrics I've heard in a long time?"  
  
Max said loudly, "Well this is when my Mistress usually says 'Get down with your Bad self!' Well she's not here so....."  
  
Dumbledore muttered "Now Miss Dynamite, I think you better go to the next stage of your evil plan.........."Max grinned as only a cat could and scooted out of the Hall to places unknown.  
  
Snape, who heard that comment, stared at Dumbledore in disbelief." You ARE encouraging this juvenile behaviour........."He broke off as Max trotted back in and dropped a black coloured thing on his lap and then jumped on him as well. He pushed Max off his knee and picked up the thing and shook it out gingerly. His eyes widened as he realised what it was. "HOLY SHIIIIIIATNER!" He exclaimed loud enough for the whole hall to hear.(A/N: Ok he picked up this phase from one of the Gryffindors....He'd overheard them talking)  
  
The whole hall stopped talking and turned to look at him. He was still holding the object in his hands looking at it like he'd been hit by a 'Stupefy' curse.  
  
The other tables started muttering amongst themselves.  
  
"What's that in his hand?"  
  
"It looks like a bra."  
  
"It IS a bra.....A black lacy one if I'm not mistaken..."  
  
"OH MY GOD!"  
  
"SNAPE WEARS BRAS!"  
  
"I think it's his girlfriend's........"  
  
Snape's got a GIRLFRIEND??!!"  
  
Snape turned the bra over and looked at the label inside. 'Hermione Anne Granger' was written inside in Hermione's neat writing.  
  
He paled even more, "OH NO!"  
  
Remus said(A/N: He spoke!),hiding a smile, "Now Severus.......What are you doing with that delightful pair of women's underwear? Who's is it anyway?" Without waiting for an answer he snatched the bra out of his hand and looked at the label. An evil grin appeared on his face. He thought it was a perfect opportunity to get Snape back for an April Fool's joke he played on him last year. "Oh Severus, Why don't you explain to the hall why you have a pair of............"  
  
He broke off as Snape growled at him, in the tone that could scare a hippogriff into submission.  
  
By now the whole hall could hear what was going on, on the Teacher's table.  
  
"Damn! Lupin was going to say who's it was." whinged Ernie, A sixth year Hufflepuff. "I wanted to know!"  
  
"Shut up, Ernie you PERVERT!" Shouted his friend, Flight, hitting him on the back of the head.  
  
"Miss Hermione Granger's bra....."Max finished from under the teacher's table. The whole hall turned to look at Hermione, who was trying to crawl under the table.  
  
"'Mione why does Snape have your bra?" Harry asked, looking at the teacher's table, where he could see Snape going purple and Remus and Dumbledore hiding smiles, Remus' was slightly eviler than Dumbledore's.  
  
"He could hear the conversation that was going on between them.  
  
"Why Severus, I never knew you were such a tiger........."  
  
"Grrr!" Growled Severus.  
  
"Ooh Growl more, I'm sure Hermione loves it when you growl....."  
  
"Yes Severus.....You have such a sexy growl....."Remus said, in a sotto voice, batting his eyelashes.(A/N: Goooo REMUS!)  
  
Harry, who was trying not to laugh, couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst out laughing, followed by Ron and the rest of the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, Slytherins and Ravenclaws. Snape, remembering Max, said." That cat. THAT BLASTED CAT! He jumped on my lap and deposited this," Waving the bra around," on my lap. Where did he go?"  
  
Max muttered, "Uh oh." Poking his black nose out, he said, "Snape? I wouldn't wave that around if I were you....People will get the wrong Idea." and with that said, he scooted under the Slytherin table. "Or at Least You ought to be more careful. People with think you're....up.....to something."  
  
Max turns away from Snape for a moment, to a purple haired Slytherin named Jade, "Hey Jade! Why is your hair THAT colour? You look like a giant grape. I'm going to call you *Grapehead*" Jade blushed, Max just continued. "Oh Jade, Who was that light brown haired Gryffindor you were seen canoodling with on the second floor corridor? ESPECIALLY as you should've been in History of Magic."  
  
Draco, who was sitting next to Jade,asked, "You're going out with a Gryffindor? Who is it? It's not Potter is it?"  
  
(A/N: No you idiot Draco, Harry's got midnight black hair.)  
  
"I think I established that this *Older* Male had light brown hair and in case you haven't noticed, Harry's is Black." Max said sarcastically, forgetting that he was supposed to be *Draco*, "Why Draco are you jealous?"  
  
Draco blushed and stuttered, "N-n-n-no. Why would I be jealous of Potter dating *Grapehead* anyway?"   
  
Jade growled and smacked Draco on the arm, "DON'T CALL ME GRAPEHEAD!!!!" She howled, her face turning the same colour as her hair. "AND IT'S NOT POTTER, IT'S R................"Jade broke off as she realised what she was going to say.  
  
"Ooh I'm not gonna tell you who that is....I'm gonna let y'all find out for yourselves...."Max said in a really bad American accent. "Hmm but I will tell you that he is *older* than Jade and he's got issues." Max says, giving a very cat like grin.  
  
Draco muttered to himself "Good he's focused on Grapehead and her boyfriend....Maybe he'll forget about me."   
  
"Don't think that I've forgotten you Draco otherwise known as he-who-can't-tear-himself-away-from-the-mirror-long-enough-to-pay-attention-in-lessons......."Max said, startling Draco, and making him drop his fork on his lap." I know things about you all that'll turn your hair grey..........Not that some need any help with that.......Eh Jade? Does your boyfriend have to wear sunglasses with you, so he doesn't go blind?"  
  
Harry, who is on the Gryffindor table, leaned over to Ron and Hermione, "I wonder who her boyfriend is. By the way what did Snape assign us for potions homework?"  
  
"Well he recommended we looked at '19th century potion making skills' as a reference and......................."Hermione was interrupted by Max adding his two cents.  
  
"Well I prefer 'Whiskers' nine out of ten potion masters recommend it.............."  
  
"SHUT UP MALFOY!!!FOR THE LAST TIME DON'T CALL ME GRAPEHEAD!!" Came the howl from the Slytherin table. Harry and Ron turned around just in time to see Jade smack Draco, with all her might, around the face and storm out. Draco's hand shot up to cradle his cheek. "Damn that's the third time I've been hit today. That girl seriously needs to have her morning coffee....."  
  
"Er Malfoy, It's lunch in case you haven't noticed." Harry said,timidly. Draco just glared at him.  
  
"OK I mean her afternoon coffee....I feel sorry for anyone who has lessons with her this afternoon."(A/N: That would be Potions. I'm not going to write that lesson in here as it'll seriously go into Mary Sue Land and I don't want to go there. BUT I wrote another short fic on what happened in that and afterwards.)Maybe her boyfriend isn't giving her enough......"  
  
Harry shook his head and turned back to his friends. "Well that was fun. I don't even want to know what Malfoy meant by that. I wonder what they're saying on the teachers' table."  
  
"Yeah Poor Snape..."Hermione sighed, ignoring her friends' dazed expressions.  
  
Meanwhile on the teacher's table, Remus and Albus were teasing poor Severus mercilessly. "Now Severus, anything you want to tell us?" Remus said, with an evil glint in his eyes.  
  
"NO!THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON BETWEEN MISS GRANGER AND MYSELF,THAT IDIOT CAT! HE DROPPED THIS ON MY LAP AND RAN OFF!" Severus yelled so the whole hall could hear him.  
  
"Okay, calm down Severus. Maybe you should have a cup of coffee." Remus said, flapping his arms so he looked like a chicken.  
  
Severus growled at Remus and turned to Dumbledore, who was on the other side of him. "Albus, I think you should put a stop to these........"  
  
"Shenanigans? Crazy capers? Slytherin baiting? My own personal way of matchmaking? My purrbuggy brand of humour? "Max interrupted.  
  
"NO!I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR BRAND OF HUMOUR!" Roared Severus. "SO SHUT UP!AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT BY PURRBUGGY!"  
  
"No, I don't think I will. This is kinda like a Dead Man's party." Max waved his tail, like it was a wand, and music started playing all around them. Everyone was looking for the source of the music, but they didn't notice the little black cat under the table. Max twitched his tail again, opened his mouth to sing, and then paused. "Hmmmm, I don't think I'll sing, how about you Sev? I know you can sing. I've heard you in the shower.." Max twitched his tail again and Snape found himself opening his mouth and a deep voice rumbled out thorough the Great Hall. "I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go  
  
Walking' with a dead man over my shoulder  
  
Waiting for an invitation to arrive  
  
Going' to a party where no one's still alive  
  
Chorus  
  
I was struck by lighting  
  
Walking' down the street  
  
I was hit by something last night in my sleep  
  
It's a dead man's party  
  
Who could ask for more  
  
Everybody's coming', leave your body at the door  
  
Leave your body and soul at the door . . .  
  
(don't run away it's only me)  
  
All dressed up with nowhere to go  
  
Walking' with a dead man  
  
Waiting' for an invitation to arrive  
  
With a dead man . . . dead man . . .  
  
Got my best suit and my tie  
  
Shiny silver dollar on either eye  
  
I hear the chauffeur coming' to the door  
  
Says there's room for maybe just one more . . .  
  
Chorus  
  
Don't run away it's only me  
  
Don't be afraid of what you can't see  
  
Don't run away it's only me . . ."  
  
After the song had finished and Snape had sat down, the doors of the Great Hall flew open and Delores Umbridge stormed in, her toad like face making everyone want to find a bucket quickly. Before she could open her mouth, Max poked his nose out and said." Where'd that toad come from? Shouldn't she be in a pond? On a Lilly pad?" Max made a face, like he could smell something foul. "Ew that cardi is making me so I want to hack up a hairball. Why have you got a fly on your head? Oh wait that's your bow. Could've sworn it was a giant fly."   
  
Umbridge turned purple and said." Whoever said that is going to get lines."  
  
"Wait a minute you must be that awful Umbridge woman. I heard talk about you and your 'lines' Ha, torture would be more like it. I'll give you lines alright....."Max strode over to her and gorged his claws down her leg. Umbridge let out a high pitched scream. "See I gave you lines.....Notice how painful they were?" Umbridge looked down at the innocent looking black cat, who looked at her with a disgusted face. "What do you want anyway? I thought Peeves had gotten rid of you."  
  
Umbridge answered in her girly voice. "I'm here to inspect the classes, by order of Minister Fudge."  
  
"Minister Fudge can kiss my furry little behind and so can you. On second thought's I might catch something.....Rabies perhaps."  
  
Everyone, except the Slytherins hid laughs at that. Umbridge scowled at Harry. "Potter. Lines." She barked at him.  
  
Harry looked stunned. "For what?"  
  
"For being rude."  
  
"Me being rude? Does that even sound like me? I agree with whoever it is though."  
  
"Excuse me, Miss Toady. Is Harry a 10 pound black cat with a wicked sense of humour? No I don't think so? You see that's me. Maxwell House at your service, AKA Maximum Chaos." Max introduced himself.   
  
"Potter this isn't funny."  
  
"It's not me."  
  
"I'm also known as Miss Dynamite."  
  
"I'm warning you....."  
  
"What? You're gonna fart? Uh oh. BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES! UMBRIDGE IS GONNA FART. AAAAAHHHHHHH!"  
  
Snape looked at Max with his jaw hanging open. "The cat talks."  
  
"THE CAT TALKS?!" Umbridge repeated, disbelievingly.  
  
"THE CAT TALKS!?" Everyone, except for Ginny, Draco, Luna and Dumbledore ,repeated.  
  
"I don't think they heard you in Canada, Everyone , I think you should all screech a little louder." Max hissed.  
  
"I told you. I said The cat talks,' and you were like pooh-pooh, cats don't talk, pooh-pooh." Malfoy stated as he looked at Snape.   
  
"Ok that's it. We're stopping you watching Buffy." Harry said. Two different conversations burst out at that comment.  
  
"Malfoy, you watch Buffy?" Snape said, increduously. "And here I was thinking you were a muggle hating......."  
  
"I told you not to watch SO much Buffy but did you listen? NO!"  
  
"MALFOY WATCHES BUFFY?!AFTER ALL HIS COMMENTS ABOUT MUGGLES!"  
  
"Shut up Mr-I-have-a-thing-for-Tara."  
  
"SLYTHERINS WATCH BUFFY?!"  
  
"It's Willow. You idiot."  
  
"Oh Come on, I was only thinking of you........Wait that didn't sound right."  
  
"Snape watches Buffy?"  
  
"I'm going to be sick."  
  
"Potter you watch Buffy?"  
  
"Want a trash bag?"  
  
"I like Willow....I did not just admit that did I?"  
  
"Hey I'm not Murdock."   
  
"Hem hem." Umbridge coughed.  
  
"You watch the A-Team?"  
  
"I'm more for Angel myself. I can't believe I said that."  
  
"I bet you go on to Fanfiction net and read all those fanfics on there."  
  
"YOU WATCH MUGGLE PROGRAMS?!"  
  
"Miss Granger, You fancy Angel?"  
  
"Yeah I do, I'm also a member of the VA."  
  
Yeah. You fancy Willow?"  
  
"I like Face, he's cool."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Have you read ALL the fanfics on the VA?"  
  
"Um.......Er........I just do." Hermione said, blushing.  
  
"Yeah so?"  
  
"I see."  
  
"Even the slash ones?"  
  
"Why do you fancy Willow?"  
  
TBC 


End file.
